Northern Line pooh carriage...

I was waiting at Clapham North tube station for the next train into town at morning rush hour. I had been waiting ten minutes and about 4 fully-packed trains had gone past already, that were so full I couldn't get on. The next one pulled into the station. Carriage after carriage went past, all of them full to bursting point of commuters. Fuck, I thought. This is taking the piss. Then I noticed one carriage out of them all was almost empty! What luck!! I sprinted down the platform as fast as I could to reach my Holy Grail before some other cunts got it. The doors started closing, the beep-beep-beep-beep was beeping but I got there just in time as the doors closed behind me. How pround I was, looking out of the window smugly at the other poor sods who didn't make it as the train departed. I turned around, time to find a seat. Loads of choice. The other three people in this carriage are right at the ends. How strange, I thought. It was then that I noticed a pile of at least 6 human poos slipping around on the floor this way and that, riding a lake of piss. Thankfully, I managed to ride it out to the next stop without getting any shit or piss on my feet. Some more poor sods got on at the next stop though. Hehehehee love it!

Stutter

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.

"Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

"That must've been scary", said the teacher.

"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... And before he could say 'fuck' , the Rottweiler ate him!"

Zen of Sarcasm

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments .
8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.
12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.